I just threw up on my dentist
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
