I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
