you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
