Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
