I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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