I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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