Yo dont text me then not text me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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