I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
