I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
