I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
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Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I need a beard to bite.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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