He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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