The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
