so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
