So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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