she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
