i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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