Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
