I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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