walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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