So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
