got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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