on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
