Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Panties = found
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
