my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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