She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
