Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
