You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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