i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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