My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
barbara walters just said penis...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
