i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
