I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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