Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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