The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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