she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
