we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We are all done wearing pants today
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
