I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
