i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
