YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i think i just lost a toe
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
