she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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