my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
