he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
