I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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