I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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