he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
