you guys were way drunker than both of me
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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