U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
