I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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