Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
