Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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