I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
