Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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