We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
