yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
