I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
PANTIES FOUND
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