the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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