wanna go halves on a baby?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
