I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
