i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
