my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
