So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Randomize
