I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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