I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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