is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
