ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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