So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
