Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
