Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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