I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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