I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
