dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
4 words: hood of his car
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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