Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
